my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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