My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
