He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am mentally ready for anal.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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