i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's always time for handjobs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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