My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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