Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
