I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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