just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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