Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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