3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
