I wish I could teleport
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
