in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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