I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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