Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
