I wish you could order shots online.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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