I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
