operation have a gay friend backfired
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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