i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
