I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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