the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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