Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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