There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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