So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Jerry, you need to find god
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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