it wasn't lemon gatorade
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
