I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
