his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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