Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
