why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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