I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
