I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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