I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
