Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
