sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
