Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
