There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
