im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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