Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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