Pappa wants mamma naked
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
