so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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