when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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