so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
