im drinking this country out of the recession.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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