Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
