meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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