Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
