The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your penis caused this!
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