I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
