I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
