ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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