god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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