Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
