i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
