Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize