Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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