whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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