Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
