So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
