OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
